For some, the subtlest nudge toward the potty or being diaper-free can cause holding of urine or feces, delay toilet learning for months or even years, make toddlers feel ashamed, lead to severe constipation.In this video, mother of twins Suzanne Schlosberg shares her cautionary tale about adult-led toilet training:In It’s No Accident, the book Schlosberg coauthored with pediatric urologist Steve Hodges, parents are urged to slow down toilet training and informed that constipation - caused mostly by early/rushed potty training and poor diet -– is the root cause of virtually all bedwetting, toileting accidents, and recurrent UTIs. Bright, sensitive, aware toddlers can readily perceive a parent’s agenda. Emotional: children are ready to let go of a situation they are used to and comfortable with (urinating and releasing feces into a diaper whenever they feel like it), and also let go, literally, of these waste products, which they perceive as belonging to them.The emotional readiness factor usually comes last, is the most fragile, and also the most powerful. Cognitive: children know when they need to eliminate urine and feces and are fully aware of what they are supposed to do.3. Physical: there is bladder and bowel capacity and muscle control.2. Hundreds of parents I’ve worked with over the years have reported similar experiences.This begs the question: why would we add toilet training to our already overloaded job description when doing less works just as well, if not better? Why risk the headaches, power struggles and resistance, frustrations and failures? Why be a taskmaster when we can relax, enjoy, and take pride in supporting our child’s self-directed achievement?It’s riskyToddlers have a developmentally appropriate need to resist parents, and if parents have an agenda around toilet training, healthy toddlers are inclined to push back, even if they might have been otherwise ready to begin using the toilet.Child specialist Magda Gerber noted three types of readiness children need for toilet learning:1. I vaguely remember the beginning of this process with my first child, but only because I was flabbergasted when she initiated an interest at 18 months and had completed the process by two years old.My experiences illustrate the normal, natural, ho-hum process that successful toilet learning can be when parents don’t invest in it. They do need attuned, communicative parents and caregivers to support and facilitate the toilet learning process, a process that is individual to each child.These are the 3 main reasons I don’t recommend adult-led toilet training:It’s unnecessaryI have no recollection of my younger two children learning to use the toilet. So I feel a teensy twinge of guilt when I’m asked for advice about toilet training, and my response is, essentially, don’t.Children don’t need adults to train them to use the toilet. As a parenting teacher and writer, my intention is to support, encourage, and answer questions.
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